Atheist Apologism?

I go to church every Sunday.

I'm sure a lot of you do, too, but the major difference there is that I am an atheist.

Let me explain. I was brought up in a Lutheran church, and for the majority of my life, I really strongly believed in its teachings. It took many years of soul- and philosophy-searching before I came to my own personal conclusions that, while I can never prove for certain that there is no God, I seriously doubt that he exists and my life will be best lived under the assumption that he doesn't. I continue to respect others' religious beliefs and do not force mine on anyone unwilling to hear them.

I have a job at the church in which I was brought up; I've worked there for about three years, running the children's nursery during services. I love that job absolutely to pieces. I am nuts about all the kids who come play, and they adore me too. I'm polite, responsible, respectful, prompt, and energetic. Parents tell me their kids ask all week when they get to come back to see me! It's incredibly rewarding. Many babysitting clients, employers, and friends have emerged from this experience.

My dilemma is, of course, that I am completely silent about my religious beliefs to all these people, to the point of being almost embarrassed and apologetic. Even when topics like religion and God come up, I sort of squeamishly avoid any personal comments. It’s not just at church that I feel awkward -- my boyfriend’s parents, who are practically family already, have no idea of how unreligious I really am.

I just can’t help feeling like I will lose their respect, insult them, or in some vague way make them uncomfortable.

What is this phenomenon of atheist apologism? 

I’m interested to know reader feedback about religious discussion. If you are religious, how do you feel when you find out someone you know is atheist? Do you see that person in a different light, do you feel like you ought to try to help them change, is it completely irrelevant to you? If you are not religious or of a small religious minority in the West (not one of the Big Three monotheistic faiths), how do you deal with situations like mine?

I’m always eager to talk to people of every background and ideology!

March Fourth -- aka March Forth!

Yesterday was March 4th -- one of my favorite days of the year. It's not my birthday, it's not a holiday, I don't know of any culturally significant events occurring on that date; I just love the heck out of it because it is the only date that is a complete sentence on its own.

March Forth!

Okay, so they're homophones, it's not a real sentence, I know. But doesn't a date like that just inspire you to do great things? Don't you want to get up and accomplish things on a day like "March Forth"?

Yesterday was a great day. I knocked about a hundred things off my miles-long list, and I heard from not one, not two, but THREE potential employers on the same day! I've been hired as a freelance copy editor for my dream company, I was commissioned to edit a book, and I have an interview with the substitute teaching company next week.

I marched forth like crazy, and I feel really good about finally reaping some benefits from all the hard work I've been doing.

March 4th is passed, but I'm still feeling the effects of an inspirational day. What did you do yesterday to march forth in your life?

Sisterhood of the Traveling Award

I'd like to thank writergrrl for her nomination! What a compliment, especially from such a great writer and blogger!

My own Top Five list of fabulous ladies is as follows:
1. writergrrl - Am I allowed to nominate the person who nominated me? I hope so, because I love reading her posts. Every topic she covers is real and relatable; reading her ideas feels like a conversation with someone I've known for ages.
2. rosemarypeavler - I love her perspectives on current events! She tells the facts with such a sharp wit.
3. procomicdiva - She has a unique take on so many subjects. I never tire of her class and sass!
4. Sally G - My favorite part about reading Sally's posts is how she takes seemingly goofy or out-of-the-blue imagery (always love the titles!) and ties it in to a genuine, heartfelt message.
5. YeaYeaWendy - Her writing is so refreshing! It's nice to her her down-to-earth perspectives on current events.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Everyone has conflict with other people. The only ones who don't are the hermit-folks who don't ever interact with other people. I suppose it's just part of human nature, that struggle and confrontation.

What interests me is how differently we approach those conflicts. There doesn't seem to be a common "human nature" attitude toward fights. Some short-fused fighters react explosively to conflict; some avoidant, unwilling fighters slink away from situations. In my conservative Lutheran family, the standard response to any problem is to pretend it doesn't exist, never ever talk about it, and eventually move on to ignoring some other point of contention. (You can imagine how effectively we all resolve our issues.)

My Amazing Boyfriend and I rarely fight. We sometimes disagree on silly minor things like window treatments or dinner plans, but that kind of issue never escalates to a real conflict. We're both easy-going enough to let little things slide. The last few months, however, have really taken their toll on our bank accounts, our patience, and our easy-going-ness. We're stressed, worried, guilty, afraid, and embarrassed, and we're starting to show it.

I have always considered myself independent of my traditional upbringing -- I left the church, I moved away for college, I'm living with a guy before marriage -- but suddenly I see with shocking clarity how much I am still just like my family. Whenever the nasty M-word ("money") comes up, I shrug, walk away, go to bed... in essence, I run away.

Being aware of it has helped me take steps to fix it. The Amazing Boyfriend and I had a big hugandcryfest last night. (I would have much rather just gone to bed, but I sucked it up.) But it got me thinking – how do other people deal with personal conflict? What do you do to resolve problems with others? How much of it is emotional, how much practical? Any advice you'd like to share on conflict resolution? And, really, wouldn't it be just so much easier if we all just got along?

Out of hiding!

Hello, anyone who may occasionally read my blog! I've disappeared off the map, for mostly good reasons! Check it --

1) Full time job as fraud analyst. Cool stuff, catchin' bad guys and savin' days and stuff. LOOOOONG hours in front of a phone, though.

2) Awesome part-time internship. Creative writing for an ad agency. Super fun work, incredible staff. LOOOOONG train commute

3) Freelance work. Have a relatively big project for an educational publisher in my area, writing the teaching unit for "Paul's Case" by Willa Cather. Anyone who wants to discuss, I'm LOVING this story. Anyway, fun work, good for resume, NO commute (woo!), but when do I find the time??

4) Any remaining time not spent on laundry and housework is spending scavanging for a few moments with the Amazing Bf. He has been particularly amazing as of late, making me dinner and doing chores to help me out with my long hours. Him's da best.

So yeah! Been super, super busy, and while there are ups and downs of it all, I'm really optimistic that all these experiences are getting me closer to where I want to be in life. Hokay, not going to miss out on any more fun Girls Night Out! Later, gators!

Dealing with Inner Doubt

So I recently divulged a big ole chunk of self-doubt here on pnn, which is unusually soul-baring for me, and I have a follow-up to that train of thought.

What helps you deal with doubt?

For me, it turned out that two things were infinitely more helpful than I had ever anticipated: admitting that I was doubtful and hearing others' doubt.

Just confessing all that anxiety and fear, even on the Internet to you lovely ladies, was like a load lifted from my shoulders (not to get too cliche on you). Very soon after, I went to my Amazing Boyfriend and had a heart-to-heart about these feelings. I was feeling really juvenile and -- for lack of a better word -- emo about having the emotions that I did, so I was ashamed to bring them to light. But not only did talking about it work wonders for my mental processing of the situation, it also encouraged my A.B. to come clean about his own doubts and fears, professionally and emotionally. We laughed, we cried... it was a grade-A, Oscar-winning scene, lemme tell ya. And hearing someone I see as so brave, so confident, and so together as my boyfriend talk about worries just like mine... well, that was a boost to my own self-image I hadn't forseen.

So, all this brings me to the topical question here: We all deal with doubt and worry; what do you do during these trials in your life to help get you through? Is there someone you talk to who always manages to brighten your outlook? Do you have a secret cure-all (mine is usually white wine -- snicker snicker) you'd like to share? Or are you much, much braver than I am, and suck it up and keep on truckin', no matter what temporary obstacles you may face? I'd love to hear feedback, because I know so many of us are facing tough times right now.

By the way, I'd like to thank all my readers for their support! You can't imagine how appreciative I truly am. :)

Fear Paralysis

Boy, is there anything better at killing dreams than fear?

Due to my crappy employment circumstances lately, I've been forced to acknowledge my crippling fears head-on. Why don't I have a job yet? Why did I choose the major I did? What on earth am I doing with my life? Asking myself questions like these is now a daily routine, and I've recently realized that they are all streams trickling down from the same source: "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE THE THINGS I WANT."

That's the crux of it, right there. It's a gnawing, omnipresent fear of mine that bubbles under the surface of every decision I make. I chose an education major because I did not think I was good enough to pursue acting or writing, the dreams I've had for years. Now, I don't even want to try to be a teacher because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for the students and they'll be cheated out of a "real" education. I sabotage myself by waiting too long to apply to jobs I want, or shirking preparation for interviews, because I'm afraid to try and fail.

I'm fairly certain this fear has always been present in me, but it has become more and more consuming since this whole unemployment thing. Maybe because I'm an oldest child, and that perfectionism streak runs strong in me -- it sometimes makes me see situations as all or nothing, perfection or failure, flawless or not good enough. Maybe because there have been people in my life with the same agonizing fear, who dealt with their self-doubt by making me feel low and worthless. Maybe because I have never really faced challenges like this, and I'm drowning.

I don't know, exactly, but I am certain that this constant rejection from employers has certainly not helped. I'm feeling the effects -- hopelessness, self-doubt, resignation to my unalterable fate. But when I think about that for two seconds, the logical part of my brain pitches a fit. What the hell -- I have no "unalterable fate"!! If I DO resign myself to failure, I'll be a failure! I'm the only one who can really drag myself out of this shame spiral!

So here I am, taking that first step. I'm admitting it. Here I am, ladies, admitting how flawed and wimpy I really am. Terrified and frozen by mounting insecurities. Ironically, it feels pretty good to say so. I feel a bit less... weighed down.

Yesterday, I spoke to almost one hundred potential employers at a local career fair. I had two interviews right after the fair. Today, I'm going to organize all my notes and send out emails to all the companies I think would be a good match. I'm also going to apply for some teaching jobs for next school year. I'm really scared of all this, but acknowledging that it is only fear that is deterring me makes it easier to tackle.

As FDR said, "The only thing we have to fear it fear itself." Wise words. I don't think I'll ever stop being afraid of failing, bit I know I'm not going to be afraid of my fear anymore.

The Ups and Downs of Substitute Teaching

Oh, that foul minx we call the Mixed Blessing. Why does she torment us so?

I'm working now, finally! That's the good news. I'm making a bit over a hundred bucks a day doing something I am qualified and confident doing. I'm meeting people and making positive impressions. I'm finally able to help pay the rent!

And I cannot WAIT to find something else. Gah! I really wish I were passionate about teaching. I wish it felt worthwhile to wake up at four thirty in the morning, run around like a headless chicken for eight hours, and simultaneously act as encyclopedia, mother, entertainer, policewoman, and psychic for the benefit of a delightful generation of havoc-wreakers. Somehow, though, it doesn't. No matter how hard I try to convince myself I could do it full-time, I can't really feel it.

Substituting has a few distinct advantages, admittedly. Namely, my day is done when that bell rings. That is by far the greatest perk I could ask for, and I'm absolutely appreciative. I don't have to grade papers, I don't have to plan for the next two weeks, I don't have to call parents, I don't have to collaborate with other teachers, I don't have to tutor after class, I don't have to worry about administrative politics -- nada. I just jot a quick letter to the classroom teacher and hit the road!

It's also nice that I'm allowed to be more like myself as a sub. I don't have to pretend like I'm an evil Medusa with no sense of humor or play, because they can't really take advantage of me in any substantial sense. If a kid breathlessly exclaims he has an EMERGENCY and absolutely MUST use the restroom, then spends half the class wandering the halls, I don't really care. It's just one day, and the lesson the teacher left probably was just busy work, anyway. If I have to see that class day after day afer day, though, I need to be stingy with bathroom breaks, make a system for recording time out of class, develop rewards and punishments, confer with parents, and on and on and on. As a sub, I am allowed to be on their side. Bribe them to do their work quickly by offering games, socializing time, etc. as a reward for finishing. I can joke and be silly. In this sense, it's the best of both worlds: I can be likable without having to worry about them taking advantage of me.

In another sense, it's exhausting to try to learn a new school, a new classroom, a hundred new names, and new lesson content every day. It's certainly exciting, but it's sort of like treading water: no matter how hard ya kick, yer not gettin' any farther. Then I have to come back home, manage the housework, cook dinner, and try to write something before passing out. I hardly see my Amazing Boyfriend, because I'm so tired at night I'm knocked out by nine or so. Then the alarm chirps again, seemingly seconds after closing my eyes. I have to go through another day of kids I don't know constantly interrupting me, throwing stuff, texting each other, etc.

It's quite a roller coaster of a job. There are only a few weeks left until mid-June, though, at which time I'm hoping for a publishing internship. I dunno how long I'll stay in substituting, but I am absolutely certain that it is one heck of a learning experience.

How do you decide if the ups of your job outweigh the downs? Where does misery outweigh necessity? And how would you go about a radical career change (especially if you are as early in your career as I am)?

Santa and God -- ONE ENTITY??

Interestingly, you never see them together. (Well, you never see them at all.) I have this theory that they are actually the SAME PERSON OMG. Both expect a lot of fanfare around the holiday season, both are universal symbols of generosity and love, both bribe their believers to do right (with promises of presents/heaven) and threaten them not to do wrong (coal/hell), both are omniscient and omni- or nearly-omnipotent, both are impossible to prove... etc., etc.

This brings me to my current conundrum. As an atheist who oh-so-eagerly anticipates motherhood within the next few years, what should I plan to do about the Santa Scenario? On the one hand, Christmas and Santa can both be viewed through an entirely secular lens, and I wouldn't want to cheat my own kids out of the joy of Christmas. On the other hand, how could I ever deliberately lie about the existance of a supernatural power? Also, how could I condone or encourage blind acceptance of phenomena not supported by evidence? But then, if one DOES decide to be honest about it from the start, what does the kid do around his or her peers who DO believe? Finally, would I ever want my child to feel as hurt and confused as I did, when I found out my own parents had been lying to me?

I know I have a long time before this ever becomes personally relevant (waiting for the wedding bells, thanks), but it is an issue on which I haven't already decided my own stance. I guess it's just been on my mind lately. Right now, I think the best choice for ME will probably be to incorporate the Santa tradition, but be honest about it being just a fun myth. Teach them that Santa was once based on a real person, St. Nicholas, but now it's just a game we play at Christmas to show our love for each other. I also plan to teach my children that it is not their job to tell other people what to believe, and that could easily extend to Santa Claus.

Whether you have your own children or not, what do you all think about Santa Claus? What do you do or plan to do with your kids? And, of course, am I totally dead-on about St. Nick being God dressed up in a red suit or WHAT? (That part is just a joke – please don't interpret it seriously!) :)

On Eating Cake and Having It

When I was in high school, I did a lot of crazy things. Not the normal kind of crazy, teenage hijinx, really, but I went out of my way to be weird. Unusual. Noticeable.

My waist-length hair was my favorite asset (I had VERY FEW others back then, haha), and I wore it like a flashing billboard on my head reading "LOOK AT ME!" I might come in to school with eight tightly-wound buns all over my head, or three poneytails, or just tied up in bizarre knots. The majority of my wardrobe consisted of black, red, and white combined in bizarre geometric patterns, though occasionally I would whip out day-glo orange or rainbow stripes to mix it up further. A generic backpack would not suffice, no, not for me! I had a bright yellow rolling backpack. And I named it. (It was called Slemons, pronounced like "Lemons" but with a "silent French S." I told you I was weird.)

I was a crusader against the Tyranny of Popularity, a Defender of the Downtrodden. I really had a very romanticized view of my role, when really I just had a habit of sticking my nose in others' business and pissing off everyone involved. (Turns out most people don't WANT a freaky, skinny girl fighting their battles for them. Huh.)

What I remember the most about high school, though, was not Slemons getting kicked down every staircase, nor was it spending more time studying than socializing. It was fitting in!

I remember feeling like I really belonged at my high school. I had a group of fantastic friends, most of whom are still my sisters, I was confident and certain of my identity and place in the world, I knew expectations and exceeded them effortlessly. Everyone knew me (for better or for worse!) and I felt really indispensible.

It's interesting that standing out was my way of making a place in the crowd. I guess I was thinking about mnrisley's recent post about the conflicting needs for conformity and uniqueness. I tried to completely shut out my need to be part of a group, but by doing that, I found my niche! Now I can appreciate that I do want to be special, but I ALSO want to be accepted. I occasionally still struggle to meet both, but it's always developing. What about you? How do you balance your contradicting needs?

The Science of Attraction

Here's a question for you: what really makes people attractive?

I think most people would agree it's probably a combination of many factors. Individual chemistry, visual appeal, personality, previous experience... maybe a thousand different things.

What puzzles me is the relative significance of those components. Are chemicals stronger than compatibility? Are pheromones more influential than a quick wit or nice smile? Would it be a bad thing if they are?

I've read about this study a few different places (Google it if you're not convinced) and I find it rather disturbing. What happens to the women who have been on birth control for years, find Mr. Right, get married, then decide to have children and go off the pill? In other words, are we so controlled by our chemistry that it can trick us into love? Or is a perfect match always a perfect match, pheromones or not?

The End of Bigotry

One of the most frustrating aspects of idealism is being able to identify the problems in our society, intuitively knowing they can be solved, and having no idea how to go about fixing them.

The particular culturally ingrained issue in America that brought on this introspection is racism and bigotry. I know it's been discussed on pnn before, so I thought you girls might have some interesting feedback.

How do we take steps toward the end of bigotry?

If you pictured attitudes towards racial issues as a spectrum, you would probably assume that uneducated white supremists would be at one end and most of us level-headed folks who hope to end racism would be at the other. The problem I pose here, though, deals with a most subtle and complex spectrum. Of those of us trying to do the right thing for the world, our different approaches also lie on a spectrum, ranging from one extreme to another.

Growing up, I was radically sheltered and naive about racial and cultural differences in my peers. I had friends of many ethnic backgrounds, but I never appreciated how their cultural experience of being American differed from my own. My parents and teachers always spouted the "everyone is the same" line, and I completely believed it. I never understood prejudices, but I also never understood the richness of diversity. I was "colorblind."

I thought this was the best and only way to approach cultural differences, but since adulthood I have reevaluated the wisdom of such a philosophy.

People ARE different, and that's not a bad thing! Actively pursuing a deeper understanding of my friends' different cultural traditions have led me to be a better cook with broader tastes, discover incredible music, learn about other languages and literature, etc. I also appreciate that my peers have experienced different obstacles in life than I have, and I can only try to imagine myself in the same position.

Which leads me to the other extreme. Instead of being oblivious to racial differences and the disadvantages for non-WASPy Americans, I vacillated to feeling guilty and responsible for them! And I know I'm not the only one. Think of politcal strategies to end prejudice, like Affirmative Action. It's the big ol' white guy feeling apologetic for causing the uneven playing field in our country. And it's true– I can't honestly say it's not white people's fault that Latino and black Americans face infinitely more challenges. But just like my first outlook was overly simplified, I think this view has similar faults.

I was having dinner with my friends this weekend, and we started talking about Caribbean nations that rely solely on tourism for income. Briefly, we discussed how travel to these places is so appealing to Americans because it's incredibly cheap, but that means that the people from the country aren't getting enough money. It's puts the privillged of us in a moral quandary. My friend Lynn, who is Vietnamese, admitted that continuing to support a flawed system may just perpetuate it, but, she said, "It's hard to ignore a four-day cruise for five hundred bucks." Our Korean friend Ann scoffed at Lynn, saying, "Okay, white person."

I had a weird emotional reaction when she said that. First, my stomach sank in shame and guilt; I agreed with Ann's implication that white people are selfish, exploitive, and detached. But immedately after that, my brain switched back on, and it was pretty indignant. "Wait a second," I thought. "That's not fair either -- I am a white person and I am NOT that way." I spoke up. I told Ann I thought it was out of line for her to make generalizations like that about any race. Isn't that the problem we're trying to fix in the first place?

My point is that although it may be easy to slip into this other extreme view, it does not solve any problems. Neither does the childish idea that there aren't significant differences between people of different cultures. Where is the middle ground? IS there an attitude that WILL help eradicate the inequalities left in America -- WITHOUT perpetuating them by only changing the target?

How will we ever see the end of bigotry?

My life on a bookshelf

My boyfriend, The Amazingly Brilliant Handyman (my new nickname for him, as of this instant), just finished making a bookshelf for our office/spare bedroom. It looks amazing! It is almost the same as the shelving system he had built previously (back when his books were all by their lonesome), but twice as big. My favorite part is that the shelves are split exactly down the middle. I get my side, he gets his.

What I love about this is how astutely reflective the shelves are of our respective personalities. I am so clearly that left side. Floor to ceiling, packed with books; some philosophy, some plays, some modern fiction, some classics, a whole lot of education and child development, some short stories, some things I've written, the newspaper from the day Obama was elected (top shelf)... Everything from Jane Austen to Junot Diaz; Charles Dickens to Richard Dawkins. It's a mix. And there's no system in place, either! I tried, but somehow my collection of Tolkien books (it is extensive) ended up dispersed among every single shelf. It's a little disorganized and a little jumbled, but damn, do I have good taste in books! I kept a few little knick-knacks up there -- a pic of my sister and me when we were still speaking, a jade elephant my sweetie got me from Singapore, my "Teachers Have Class!" picture frame -- but I think my book choices and arrangement say just as much about who I am.

It's almost a complete dichotomy when you throw in my sweetie's side of the shelves. He is so punctilious and methodical about everything he does, including arranging books. They are categorized by genre, size, and topic, carefully arranged to create a sense of balance. He says he's not quite done (that is not a surprise!) because he has a few other books he wants to add and some he wants to toss. All but two of his books are non-fiction, on topics ranging from wood joinery to invitation design to makin' wobots. He likes to make things. His bookshelf is quite obviously that of a designer and engineer. 

It looks kind of weird, unbalanced, even, to look at the whole thing together. I never forget, though, that the only real discrepancy is the mass of the material. Both sides are full, both sides are revealing and proud of it.

So, what does your bookshelf look like? Is yours also a mirror of your interests, your personality, your passion? Is your bookshelf a mirror, too?

By the way, his only two fiction books? Both Kurt Vonnegut. (Typical.)

Recession-proof Mood Booster!

I've been feeling a bit blue lately, moping about the house with little to do on most days. I write, I job search, I do household chores... and I repeat. Woo. I don't know about you all, but the slim job pickin's and an ever-growing financial anxiety have really gotten to me.

Today, I figured out a temporary way to beat my recession woes! And it was free!

Today, I'm folding laundry in high heels. I'm blogging with liquid liner. I'm writing query letters with my hair curled and pinned. I look damn good, and I FEEL damn good!

Admittedly, dressing up around the house is sort of like putting a topical ointment on the gaping wound that is my stress. It isn't really solving problems, but it does make me feel better for the time being. For me, that's good enough right now. Try it! Pick up the kids in bright red lipstick, vaccuum in pearls! (Anything good enough for June Cleaver is good enough for me!) I guarantee a brief vacation from the stuff that's wearing you down.

It's Their Call

I was thinking about a little girl I babysit, I'll call her Cara. Cara, 2, is a ball of little-girl energy! She's fun and silly and affectionate, but she can also be extremely stubborn. I've found that kids around age 2 or 3 start to develop a sense of stubbornness and boy do they RUN with it.

My own theory is partly that they are at the stage in which they start to have preferences and partly that they are finally able to communicate with adults fairly clearly. First, once a kid realizes he likes Froot Loops better than Cheerios, that is a big deal to him. That's HIS opinion, and Mom and Dad didn't decide it for him. Kids relish those newfound likes and dislikes, and therefore they start to get pretty vocal about them. Secondly, once children are ABLE to say what they do and do not want, they're GONNA. Again, it's a personal ownership of the situation, feeling like they have their own influence on their lives.

Of course, none of that theorizing is worth squat when your Little Darling is shrieking his or her head off about something bizarre like wearing shoes.

I have another gem from my Bag O' Tricks I wish to divulge. If we can guess at the reasons kids behave a certain way, then we can address those same factors in a different situation. A situation we control. A situation in which there is no shrieking. Ahhhh. If a child wants to have a little control over her life, let her!

I'm not saying open up the liquor cabinets, here. I'm saying go out of your way to allow the child OPTIONS. Give kids the chance to choose one of several (equally appropriate) options. You know your son needs to wear shoes to go to school -- ask if he wants to wear his brown sandals or his red sneakers. You know it's time for your niece's snack -- ask if she wants the purple plate or the green plate. Personally, I have no problem letting kids choose their own clothes (within reason), but if you're picky, set out a couple outfits and let the child choose from those. 

It's important not to go too crazy with the freedom. For instance, I don't let kids order individual dinners from me like they're in a restaurant. I don't let them decide whether or not they get a bath. Things that need to be done need to be done, but giving kids input into how those things are done helps them develop decision-making skills and makes them feel respected and valued.

So when I know it's time for Cara's nap (and I'm anticipating the Mother of all Meltdowns over it), I give her a choice every step of the way. "Do you want to go potty first or put away your toys first?" "Do you want to wear pajamas or sleep in your clothes?" "Do you want to brush your teeth or not?" (Doesn't matter at nap time!) "Do you want to read one story or two? Which one(s)?" And so on. It makes the whole process easier and Cara gets to revel in her independent decisions.

I love win-wins.

Politeness Revived!

I spend a lot of time with kids, especially between the ages of 2 and 5. Now, first and foremost, I adore this age group. They have so much energy and spunk, and this is when their personalities suddenly start to radiate out of them with everything they do. They're a lot of fun!

They can also make me want to rip my eyeballs out.

Many of you, especially moms or teachers out there, can empathize, I'm sure. But I gotta say, the one thing about preschoolers that drives me absolutely up the wall is a rude, entitled, self-important attitude. You might know what I mean -- when they act like mini-teens who try to boss others around and get away with murder. It's pretty normal phase, I know, hence the "Terrible Twos," but Oy Vey!

One of my biggest pet peeves is the conspicuous absence of polite language. "Gimme more juice." "I want my bear." "You go get the movie." How many times a day have I heard phrases like this? No pleases, no thank yous, no excuse mes, zip zilch zero. Clearly they are capable of forming the words and understanding the meaning, but I get NADA. What am I, chopped liver?

So, what do you do with a kid who refuses to speak politely?

I'd like to share my little secret. It's one of the little lovelies in what I like to call my Bag O' Tricks. When a child gives me an order without the magic P-word, I completely ignore the request. I pretend like I don't understand what is being said, maybe looking quizzically at him or her like I know SOMETHING is missing but I juuuust can't put my finger on what it is...

Ninety percent of the time it works immediately; the kid recognizes the mistake and rephrases the question. Children who don't know my routine that well yet may need more prompting: "Hmm, it SOUNDS like you're asking me to do something for you... but I know that if you wanted a favor you would use the Magic Word, so I must have misunderstood. What's that word again -- Fleas? Sneeze? Peas?"

Same goes for excuse me and thank you. I don't give the child the toy, snack, cup, whatever until I hear a "Thank you" and I don't move out of the way or stop what I'm doing without the "Excuse me." Works every time. The message the child receives is that using polite language is not only the BEST way to get something you want, it's the ONLY way.

A note of warning: the only way this really works in the long term is by also modeling the behavior you want to see. I mean REALLY go big with the polite and appropriate language, to show the child he or she is getting the same respect from you that you are expecting in return.

Try it. You'll be amazed. And then the day will come when you are incredulous you ever tolerated being bossed around by someone in Pull-Ups.

Do you have any secret foolproof tricks for dealing with rudeness? Please share!